Hey Randy Newman, are leprechauns short people?

Short people

Remember that Randy Newman song Short People? If you’ve never heard it, you’re missing out on one of those songs that, four decades later, I still don’t understand and it’s still stuck in my head. Oh, and dig Randy’s hairstyle. Hello 1970’s! Here it is, complements of YouTube.

As a short person, I suppose I should find the song’s ignorant perspective to be insulting. Instead, I find it amusing.

So why is height suddenly on my mind?

Well, it is St. Patrick’s Day. And I adore leprechauns.

Oh, and also, a trip to the doctor’s office yesterday has confirmed that Margaret is taller than me. By a half inch. She’s exactly 5 feet 4 inches. It’s honestly kind of strange to think that someone taller than me was yanked from my uterus. But it’s true. And I have the scar to prove it.Short girl with dad

Since she’s only 13, I’m hoping Margaret will grow at least one more inch. Two more inches and I’d feel that she somehow won the height lottery. It’s not because I think being short is a bad thing or that being tall is a good thing. There are pros and cons to each. But from where I stand (pun intended), being medium height is ideal. So, here’s my height analysis.

Tall woman pros:

  1. You can hide your fat easier which means you can eat a lot more before you look fat.
  2. #1 said differently, you can be a lot lazier than short people and still fool others into thinking you’re not overweight when you really are.
  3. People take you more seriously because you tower over them and they’re scared of you.
  4. You can reach items without a stool or needing to hire tall servants.
  5. You have a much keener ability to quickly assess a man’s height even if he’s sitting own across the room from you.

Tall woman cons:

  • If you wear high heels, you’re probably either really confident or you’re dating/married to a giant.
  • Some men (read short men with small junk) feel very threatened by you.
  • You should get used to wearing flats.
  • You’re probably never going to be a ballet dancer. (May be a pro if you have two left feet.)

Short woman pros:

  1. You can pretty much date any man without feeling self-conscious (if you care about this type of thing to begin with).
  2. You can very easily look up people’s nostrils (note: this is also a con if someone’s got a cold or a lot of nose hair).
  3. You’re only a pair of 3” heels away from your ideal height at any given time.
  4. You never have to duck.

Short woman cons:

  • Shopping is one disappointment after another; everything cute and/or on sale is almost never less than size 6 so you end up shopping in teens or in the petite section, both of which are unappealing options.
  • If you gain a few pounds, it looks like you’ve gained more. So you pretty much always have to watch your weight if you care about that kind of thing.
  • You can never just sit and watch a movie or a play without constantly contorting your head as if playing peek-a-boo with a baby in order to see the stage.
  • You’re more likely to be attacked because almost everyone is taller than you.
  • You’re probably not going to win a marathon unless you have disproportionately long legs and a really short torso, which, unto itself, is a con. Or you’re from Kenya.

Let’s just hope Margaret grows two more inches. But if she doesn’t, she’ll be one of the millions of short people who Randy Newman wrote a song about.

St Patrick's Day

Short People

Short people got no reason
Short people got no reason
Short people got no reason
To live

They got little hands
And little eyes
And they walk around
Tellin’ great big lies
They got little noses
And tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet

Well, I don’t want no short people
Don’t want no short people
Don’t want no short people
Round here

Short people are just the same
As you and I
(A fool such as I)
All men are brothers
Until the day they die
(It’s a wonderful world)

Short people got nobody
Short people got nobody
Short people got nobody
To love

They got little baby legs
And they stand so low
You got to pick ’em up
Just to say hello
They got little cars
That got beep, beep, beep
They got little voices
Goin’ peep, peep, peep
They got grubby little fingers
And dirty little minds
They’re gonna get you every time
Well, I don’t want no short people
Don’t want no short people
Don’t want no short people
‘Round here
Songwriters: Randy Newman

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