Try The All (Not-So) New Meltdown Method!

m-walmartPlease take note that everything in this post is meant in a joking way. If you have any problems with anxiety or stress, and are easily offended by others using it as a topic, I suggest you click away from this post now. Viewer discretion advised.

I’m sure everybody has had a meltdown in their lifespan. Even babies. I mean, come on – those things come out of the womb throwing a tantrum! So yeah, unless you are some weird angel baby that didn’t have a meltdown as a child, you know what it’s like. And if you have a disability that restrains you from melting down, be glad. You are very lucky. I know for myself that my whole life has been a series of meltdowns. I even once tried to melt chocolate Kisses™. Too bad I forgot to take the wrappers off first. Man, did mom blow a gasket when I confessed the microwave had sparked. Nothing caught on fire, don’t worry. I, the angel child, fixed everything. We’re getting off topic!

The meltdown is one of the crucial parts of adolescent life. It is a great way to blow issues up to way bigger proportions. You can take a simple part of life and end up bawling your eyes out over nothing! Just follow these steps and you are guaranteed wonderful results.*

* Side effects may include crying, hyperventilation, diarrhea, anxiety attacks, vomiting, frizzy hair, or peanut butter cravings. Crunchy, peanut butter. Batteries not included.

Step One:

Everybody has a few problems in their lives that they can’t help but to notice. And think about. And keep on the tip of their minds, letting it marinate in utter hopelessness and fear. Creating the guilt of worry, the gutter of failed hope – *cough cough* So, think for a moment. What’s going wrong in your life? Rack that brain of yours.

Step Two:

Now that you have that problem, think about it. Think about every little detail that makes it worrying. Why is it so bad? Think about how there is nothing you can do to prevent it. Doesn’t that scare you? Yes. Yes it does.

Step Three:

Make sure you are in a private place, yet somewhere that you will still influence people’s general moods. Take that thought, and let it explode out of you! Don’t be reasonable. Don’t use your rationality. Scream! Cry! Laugh maniacally! Throw yourself on the concrete grass and slam your arms and legs down like a child leaving the park! Does that feel like the problem is even bigger? It should.

Step Four:

Look around. See anything that bothers you? I bet you will! When you do, grab it, and delicately SMASH IT ON THE GROUND! Hey, at least now you have a million tiny pieces of that thing. (Wait…what?! They used a computer!? Oh jeez, I meant to use something cheap like… a Lamborghini or at least something insurable like that.)

Step Five:

Now look at that item. Don’t you feel better? Well, yeah, it’s smashed. And yeah, you wasted $230 on this course… but here’s the good thing! This course is ongoing! Look at your smashed item, and use that as your next problem! There’s a reason they call me the Meltdown Master. (And it’s mostly because I’m going through puberty. But that’s beside the point.)

I hope you enjoyed this wonderful course on meltdowns. I’m just kidding. Never actually use this. Ever. Shmever. Whever. Heather. Sever. Severus. Severus Snape. Harry Potter.

I’ve got a problem… hey- I can use it to complete this course! Finally.



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